Thu, 13 May 2004 00:03:54 GMT

For the record, I'd just like to say that all the people who commented in this journal bitching about how I need to give up this username can go eat a dick.

With that very nicely said, hello to everyone who has me on their buddy list. I have other journals than this one, seeing as this was created to whine to my sister about a boy I was having serious problems with. So, hence the lack of ever being updated. I certainly hope that there's some nice people on here, I may actually start using this and start liking Gackt again?

I guess we'll see. I was most fond of the merveilles album. You know, when he was still with Malice Mizer.

P.S. There's a hint somewhere in this post as to what my lj account that I actually use is. Let's see how good at figuring stuff out people who have me listed as a friend are!

Wed, 01 Nov 2000 04:15:36 GMT

him:Heyyyyyy youuuuu!
Howzitgoin?

me:I was JUST complaining about missing you.
Heyyy there... I'm okay... And you?

him:Awww..only OK? Why?
I'm great...but..I don't have a computer...sooooo..^^

me:A little worried... I think I may be getting sick again. -_- I felt horrible today and stuff...
Ack... Poor darling. =\

him:I still blame it on your poor sleeping habits...but...that's irrelevant.
You mean, with headaches again?
You worry me so much..I don't think I've talked to you once without something being very wrong.

me:Gnarrr. Yeah. I'm bad. =\
Not headaches this time... Well, the headache wasn't the bad part. I just... felt really sick. It was scary. -_-
I'm sorry... I'm a messed up kid. =|

him: Messed up...physically?
You just don't take care of yourself, that's all.

me:Messed up all around. Messed up family, messed up me, messed up... blah.
Yeah... I don't. Bad Mary... I just don't really care that much about myself and I make bad decisions sometimes. Well, a lot of the time, I guess.

him:Bad decisions?
I dunno about that...you just seem to neglect taking care of yourself...that's all. You're one of the nicest, smartest people I know...it's not like making bad choices...it's more like being careless...but it's your business, and you're the one who's hurt...mostly.

me:Yeah... Something like that...
I just don't put much value in myself. I think.

him:Well, neither do I, but I guess I have different effects. -_-'
Oh well...how's school been treating you?

me: I don't mean to make you worry...
It's been okay. I've not been an outstanding student, but I'm doing alright. Except in Biology, but that doesn't count... And how's college for you?

him: Same as you. ^^
Not outstanding, but passing.
I know you don't MEAN to make me worry.
"N'garr harr harr I COULD go to sleep, but I think I'll stay up till I'm ill just to get back at Clint for....for..NOTHING! Just because!"

me: Only thing I'm really proud of is history, because I actually have an A in there. WOW.
It would be horrible if I was like that. Heeehee.
... Whoa. Surprising. I've really missed talking to you. Glad you were online tonight.

him: Well, I think about you a lot, too...but it's usually worry. -_-'
You're going to drive some other guy who'll love you, too up the wall someday.

(At this point I'm thinking to myself, "And why can't you be that guy?" I wanted to cry.)

me: Naaaah. There's few people who care enough about me to worry... I believe you're the only guy. Then I have Dana and Laila.

him: Isn't that enough?
Most girls I know complain about men, but have a lotta guys that like them...^^ That's usually why they're complaining. That's funny.

me: Plenty. I like it like this.
It's just that... ahh. Nevermind. I'm not even sure of what I mean.

him: Don't worry about it.^^
I seem to have a knack for meeting girls with fanclubs, though.^^

(Guys have a tendency to mention other girls a lot. It tends to hurt when you care muchly for that guy.)

me: Well, you met a girl without one. ^^

him: Didn't you have a guy that liked you, though? ^^

me: I wouldn't call one guy a fanclub...
And most of the time if someone thinks they like me, they don't know a thing about me.

him: Well, I think that may be the problem in many cases...guys will fall for girls WITHOUT knowing about them.

me: They just think they do...
Or is that a mean thing to say? It's how I feel... I don't see how people can fall for someone they don't really know.

him: Well, it's easy for a guy to become infatuated like that, I think. Even if they don't know a person...personally...their voice, their smile...their face...can all be very attractive. Sometimes it's really just a physical attraction, but sometimes...I think...they find something very beautiful in someone's manner and it's a little deeper than that.

(... Longing. Hit hard right then.)

me: I think I understand what you meant, now...
It's something to think about.

him: I dunno..it's not "love" in some senses...but I think it's a powerful force that can't be ignored, either...
I think men (and sometimes girls, too) really just can't stop thinking about someone...and really want them...but may not know what they're like...but...to them, it doesn't matter, because just by looking at them, they see something good. (and I'm not talking about if the person is just typically attractive)

(Aching. Wishing.)

me: I can't help but wonder if you say that from experience. Makes so much sense...
But that's none of my business.

him: Hahahaha...I don't know. It's a weird kind of love.
There was someone I liked...but...that kind of thing...is really illogical...but it can eat you apart.

(No joke, dear. It tears me to peices every time I talk to you.)

me: Yes, it can...
I hate dealing with it. Emotions can be such a pain...

him: Well, I don't know...I totally savor every emotion...I treasure every tear...I mean, even lonliness is sweet, if it only lasts a while...I pretty much love the whole spectrum...except for anger...which makes me do stupid things...

(Jealousy.)

me: I'm not sure about my feelings on that. I'm pretty negative... I don't deal well with emotions like that.
I'm just a wuss every way you want to look at it. ^^
Hummm. John sent me a DDR song called Silent Hill and it just came on. Whooo.

him:I'm a wuss, too...I just try to say things eloquently and hope that nobody notices.
Everyone has their weaknesses...I have a lot more respect for people who can admit that than for tough guys who cry when they don't get their way.
Why that song!? It's a CHRISTMAS SONG!

me: Hahaha, I know. He's so weird. "But when we dance to that song, Christmas IS here." "Heh. You're strange."
I have all sorts of weaknesses. Too many, really.

him: HAHAH! That's so funny he said that. I always make a big deal about that, too...and when I dance to the song, I sing along with it REALLY obnoxiously. ^^
You're just hard on yourself. The lower your self esteem, the more problems you "have." Arrogant people with tons of problems are just fine .^^

me: I think you and John would get along fairly well. If not, I'd like... kick his ass or something. He teases too much. -_- Gets on my nerves sometimes. "Fuck you!" "Haha, WHAT?!"
I think... hope that I may be getting better. In what way, I don't know, but... I actually have a good friend I can rant to this (school) year. It's nice. It helps me out with stuff. I don't know why I felt the need to tell you that.

him:Why feel the need to tell me anything? Friends talk, right?
Anyway....I gotta go...talk to you soon, I hope.

me: Yeah...
Hopefully so. Miss you a lot lately. Take care...

Sistor... Help.

Mizerable